Setting Healthy Boundaries as a Woman: Why We Feel Guilty — and How to Start

In a world where women are often expected to be the caretaker, nurturing, and selfless, setting boundaries can feel not only difficult but almost wrong. Yet boundaries are essential for mental health, career success, and authentic relationships. Without them, burnout, resentment, and self-abandonment easily take root.

In this post, we’ll explore why setting boundaries is so hard for women, the different types of boundaries, and how to start setting them — backed by science and expert advice.

Why Is Setting Boundaries So Hard for Women?

Have you ever said "yes" when you really wanted to say "no"? Or felt guilty for saying no, but couldn't quite figure out why?

Research shows that gender socialization plays a powerful role in this feeling. From the time we're little girls, many of us are taught — often without words — that our value lies in how well we care for others. Being kind, accommodating, and selfless becomes the ultimate way to earn approval and validation.

And while empathy is a beautiful aspect of being a woman, this conditioning makes setting healthy boundaries feel wrong — almost like a betrayal of who we're supposed to be.

But Are We Really Supposed To...

• Constantly fear being perceived as rude, selfish, or "too much"?

• Feel guilty when we prioritize our own needs?

• Suppress our feelings to avoid conflict, maintaining harmony in relationships even if it means neglecting our own needs?

• Fear being labeled as "difficult" or "demanding" in professional settings?

• Experience "mom guilt", feeling inadequate when balancing career and family?

• Fear the consequences of standing up for ourselves, especially in male-dominated environments, where we might face retaliation or emotional manipulation?

In my view, a woman’s true value comes from within — in her ability to set boundaries, honor her needs, and develop genuine self-respect. When women stop seeking validation from external sources and recognize that their power lies within themselves, they unlock a profound sense of empowerment. A woman’s worth is not defined by how much she can please others or be everything for everyone, but by how well she respects herself and her own needs.

We've all heard the saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup," and while it may seem like a cliché, it rings true. Constantly giving without considering our own needs can lead to burnout and cause us to lose touch with who we truly are. Prioritizing our well-being and setting boundaries is not selfish — it’s essential.

So, how do we begin to set these boundaries?

Types of Boundaries

Setting boundaries comes in different ways, depending on the situation, your needs, and the relationships involved. Recognizing the various types of boundaries allows us to assert control over our well-being and protect our energy. According to Dr. Nina Brown, a leading researcher on boundaries, there are four main types of personal boundaries:

• Physical boundaries: Personal space, physical touch, and your body.

  Example: "I don't want to be hugged."

• Emotional boundaries: Protecting your feelings and emotional well-being.

  Example: "I am not available to listen to venting after 9 PM."

• Time boundaries: Managing how you spend your time.

  Example: "I can help for one hour, but not more."

• Mental boundaries: Honoring your thoughts, opinions, and values.

  Example: "I understand you see it differently, but I believe X."

• Energy boundaries: Being mindful of how much emotional labor you’re giving to others without reciprocation.

  Example: "I need to recharge and can't take on more emotional support right now."

Now that you know the different types of boundaries, let's look at how to actually set them in your life—without guilt.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries (Without Guilt)

1. Clarity

Before you can set boundaries, you need to recognize when they’re needed. Pay attention to moments when you feel drained, resentful, or overwhelmed—these emotions are your body’s way of telling you a boundary has been crossed. Take note of these feelings and use them as a cue to establish healthier limits.

2. Start Small

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to mean making drastic changes right away. Begin with small, manageable steps. For example, start by turning off your phone after a certain time in the evening to give yourself a break from constant connectivity. This small act can help you begin creating the space you need.

3. Communicate

When you’re ready to express your boundaries, do so in a calm, clear, and assertive way. Avoid being passive or aggressive. Instead, use “I” statements that express your needs without over-explaining. For instance, "I need some quiet time after work" is a clear, non-negotiable request. The more direct you are, the less room there is for others to challenge your needs.

4. Expect (and Accept) Pushback

It’s important to remember that setting boundaries can make others uncomfortable, especially if they’re used to you saying yes all the time. Pushback doesn’t mean you're doing something wrong—it’s a sign that you’re establishing new patterns. Stay firm, and remember that respecting your needs is crucial for your well-being.

5. Hold the Line

Consistency is key. If you set a boundary but don’t enforce it, people may start to ignore it. Be consistent in holding your boundaries, even if it feels difficult at first. Over time, others will learn to respect your limits because you’ve shown them you mean it.

6. Self-Compassion

Setting boundaries can stir up guilt, but being kind to yourself through this process is essential. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion shows that treating yourself with kindness helps you bounce back from any discomfort or social friction. The more compassion you show yourself, the easier it becomes to set and maintain your boundaries.

As you start to implement these steps, remember: it’s okay to feel discomfort along the way. Change takes time, but with patience and consistency, you’ll find that setting healthy boundaries will become a natural and empowering part of your life.

Discover What Works for You

If you're curious about what type of boundaries might serve you best, I’d recommend taking the Boundary Type Quiz. It’s a helpful way to reflect on your needs and discover areas where you might benefit from more clarity.

And if you ever feel ready to dive deeper into setting boundaries in a supportive space, there's a Setting Boundaries Workshop on May 17th in Rotterdam. It’s a relaxed environment where we’ll explore how to prioritize ourselves and honor our needs—no pressure, just real conversations with women who get it.

Take it at your own pace, and know that I’m here cheering you on, no matter where you’re at.

Final Thoughts

Setting healthy boundaries isn’t just about saying “no” — it’s about saying “yes” to your own well-being, growth, and empowerment. As women, we often face societal pressures that make setting boundaries feel uncomfortable, but these limits are essential for protecting our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Remember, you have every right to prioritize your needs without guilt or shame. Setting boundaries is a courageous act of self-respect, and while it can be challenging at first, the benefits far outweigh the discomfort. By practicing self-compassion and sticking to your boundaries consistently, you'll create more space for what truly matters — to thrive in your relationships, career, and most importantly, in your life.

Boundaries are a powerful tool for reclaiming your energy and maintaining balance. It’s time to embrace them, honor them, and trust in the profound impact they’ll have on your well-being.

You’re worth it.

Love,

Kaylah | Founder of Women Wellness